I truly needed the time off. I personally have been going through a lot in my personal life, nothing like the hell I endured in 2009 but this was pretty tough and involved a lot of soul searching and for me, really becoming on fire for Jesus.  I know a lot of you don't believe in God or in Jesus for that matter, but I've never made it a secret that I'm a Christian (I proudly proclaim it).  I'm not going to go off on a tangent here or try to make anyone feel uncomfortable, I just am sharing the hugest part of my personal life with everyone out there in the bloggy world.  If it means I lose followers, so be it.  I'm not the kind of person to shove beliefs down someone's throat or make someone feel bad, we are all sinners...not one person is free from sin and I believe that showing God's love is what I'm called to do so I just want to share all my love with all of you.  Bottom line, Jesus is the 1st priority in my life and in the last few months, I've just really surrendered my entire life to Him and His Word, Will and Way and thus have found a peace and fulfillment I never knew before.

So what have I been doing? Well, I'm still working for my parents... not the funnest job in the world but considering the company will someday be mine and I plan to take it from a small company to a large one by hiring the right people and letting them take it to new heights (in the next decade or so), I really have to start getting in to the flow with it. It's not like guys are calling at my door wanting to date and marry me and take care of Alaka'i and I so I have to do it for myself. LOL. Seriously though, there's nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, heck, if I could swing it and get married and have a great Christian man, dude I would do it in a heartbeat but... it's not happening for me...at least not yet... and I'm not looking. I spent too many years searching for love in all the wrong places. Only had 2 boyfriends in my entire life and though the most recent wasn't as bad as the first, let's just say I'm not looking for a guy. I think IF I were to ever get a guy, it would have to be God who would bring him into my life and IF it happens, awesome, if not, must be God's will.

The hardest thing about being a Christian for me is the believing that I am beautiful. The Bible says that we are all created in God's image (Genesis 1:27) and that we are all "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14).  I do believe the Bible cover to cover, no ifs ands or buts about it... I can also look at people, all people and see their true beauty but when I look in the mirror, I fail to see it.  I think it's because of years of enduring bullying and then when I got into drugs and depression and then getting dumped by Alaka'i's "donor" and the abuse I endured emotionally and physically from him only then to get into a relationship 2 years after he left with a guy who made sure I knew I was "unworthy" and took great joy in making me feel bad about myself... It's an amalgam of years of believing I was worthless that makes it difficult for me to accept that I have worth and am beautiful.  Whoa, gettin' deep here yo!  Seriously though.. I know in God's eyes, I'm beautiful and I can see my better attributes and I know the gifts He's given me but as the world keeps reinforcing the fact that skinny and hot is what is considered beautiful and most guys (even Christian ones)also believe this, it makes it not so easy to look at myself and say "Jean, you're beautiful".  I feel like I'm lying to myself when I try.  It's a process that I have to work on and let God work on me and change my heart towards myself.  Maybe someday I'll find a guy, maybe not, either way, God's will be done.

Anywho... so I've been out and submitting my life to God, spending my time getting involved with my church, spending quality time with Alaka'i and then doing my day job.  One of the things I've been praying for is for God to be my comfort and just take the stress I feel away from me so I don't get so stressed and can better handle my hectic schedule.  He's done it and now I'm at a place where I can come back and blog.  I used to be a person who ran to food for comfort, not anymore. I know it sounds trite but I asked God to take it and He did.  I broke down in April and cried out to Jesus to be my comfort instead of food because one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control (Galatians 5:23) and I can't call myself a Christian and be an effective witness to His love in my life while I'm eating away my pain. Am I saying being fat means you're not a Christian? NO!!!  I'm saying for me, my weight is a DIRECT reflection of my spiritual health because overeating is all about me feeling bad about myself and self-hate so I had to give it to God.

About a month and a half later, I'm 20 lbs lighter (without juice fasting).  I work out 6 days a week, walking/jogging at least 5 miles and then doing more as I feel I can.  Watching my size shrink and my double chin waste away is pretty stinkin' awesome.  My goal is still far off but not as far as it used to be.  I'm thinking that by my son's birthday in December I'll be pretty close to it, God willing. The funniest thing is the food I used to feel a need for and crave is no longer appetizing to me.  Crazy but true.  I still cook regularly for my son and parents (I live with my parents...yeah...)  and I eat small portions and lots of veggies but I still eat little bits of the yummies I love to indulge in but nowhere near as much as I used to.  I try to juice at least a few times a week but I am so busy I don't have much time.  The greatest blessing for me lately is becoming active in my church One Love Ministries.  I joined the young adults group Relevant Ministries and just became a leader with them for the social media side which I'm pretty stoked about.  My son is now in the big boy middle school youth group and I am just on fire for Jesus.

All glory, honor and praise to Him!  I just wanted to give you all an update as to what's up with me and why I was gone. I am back and in a big way. I have lots of reviews, features and more coming up so stay tuned.  I just always try to be upfront, honest and real on this blog and keeping the most important side of my life from y'all would feel like I wasn't being honest. To speak boldly about my love and faith in Jesus is definitely stepping out of my comfort zone but so worth it.  Is my life perfect? No, nothing is perfect for anyone.  Am I happier? Yes, I love the Lord and I love fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I love all of you too!! Happy to be back!

Praying you all have a blessed day!

Aloha,