Winding Down12:58 AM
I don't know about you, but I've been stressed lately. Even as I'm trying to creatively weave words and phrases to describe my emotions and experiences as of late, thoughts concerning my work and my family are circling my mind. I'm blessed and so thankful for all that I have but sometimes it just takes its toll.
I was going through the motions the other day with being overloaded at work and then on top of it, having to help my son learn something that his teacher failed to impart on him because she's alone teaching a class of 30 students. I honestly don't know how teachers deal with the stress of having all these young minds to nurture and teach especially considering the current economy and the overcrowding at public schools. I don't envy her, let's just say that. Nevertheless, there are days when my son comes home completely confused about what geometric theory he is supposed to apply on his 4th grade math homework. It's frustrating. I don't mind helping him but I'm not an awesome teacher. If I wanted to be a teacher, I would be one. I am not the most patient human being ever to walk the earth. Let's just keep it at that....
It must be hard for my boy to live up to my expectations. I am slowly learning that he is not me and I can't expect him to be amazing at all the things I flourished at when I was his age. It's a difficult lesson for me to learn but it's a daily challenge I'm actually starting to adapt to. He is his own person and though he has many similarities to me, I need to stop trying to make him a version of myself. He is kind, gentle, sociable, funny, determined and sensitive. I too am sensitive but I was rather quiet at his age and devoted all my time then to school work and karate. He is perfect just the way he is and I need to help him learn what he needs to be a strong, smart and independent man without pushing him to be something he's not.
Boys are different and I have to remember that. I think it's hard for me because it's just me and my son. He doesn't have a father to guide him and do the boy things with so I have to be both mother and father. I have to play sports with him and get in the mud with him when he wants to. I have to teach him and read with him and watch sports with him. He has so much life in him and I want him to live it and not miss out simply because I am not married and he doesn't have a "dad". Better no dad than the one that helped me make him (truth be told!). The "donor" (I'll just call him that because he did nothing for my son and left when Alaka'i was a baby) was not what you could consider an awesome human being. Selfish, mean, cruel, pathological, dishonest and violent. Thank God I moved on and away from him before he could hurt my boy or worse, impart his bad behavior and habits on him. Anyway, I'm doing all these boy things with my son and then I have work and chores and all that other fun grown up stuff like making and balancing a budget. On top of that are bills and the ridiculously high cost for groceries and gas costs (literally emptying my bank account). At the end of the day I am left utterly exhausted and feeling like I have no time to do anything I really want.
Such is life. You gotta make what ya' got work!!! I manage it all rather well despite some setbacks here and there. I always feel guilty like I should be spending more time with my son Alaka'i. I think every parent out there can relate to that, whether they work or not. No matter how much you do with your kids, you always feel like you could or should do more. We want the best for our children. That's what makes us good parents. I just re-read what I wrote above and realized I went on a slightly ADD tangent there. Sorry about that!! Chalk it up to the fact that I'm exhausted from my day job and my mom job.
I wish the hours in the day where I'm not working were longer. That way I could spend some awesome quality time with my son Alaka'i and also fit time in to take photos and enjoy life a little.
I actually wrote this blog with the intention of relaxing and "winding down" and posting photos I took about a week and a half ago when I had a few spare moments. It's the first chance I've had to really write and post so here it is. These photos were taken at Wailupe Beach Park in Honolulu, Hawai'i. I am so lucky to live in Hawai'i where the weather is warm and the scenery is beautiful. <3
Enjoy these photos and whether you're stressed or exhausted from work or from being a parent (tougher job than ANY "day" job I've had), sit back and look at these photos and imagine you're on this beach with the drink of your choice, just relaxing. Ahhh..