A beautiful sunset view from the small lookout at Pupukea on O'ahu's North Shore proved to be a perfect end to a lovely day.

On this Wordless Wednesday, I welcome the need for few, if any words as I'm swamped with work at the moment. I know there have been a lot of giveaways on my page, I'm so fortunate to be part of so many amazing opportunities with more yet to come.  Please enter them all, who knows, you may win!!  The tab in my left sidebar that says Giveaways is an easy place to find the most recent giveaways I'm hosting on my blog at the moment.

I hope you all are having a splendid week. Thus far, my week has been quite rough and filled with drama-ish from work, praying that the drama will let up today.  Big hugs to all of you and know that no matter how much drama exists in the world, you can overcome it, it won't destroy you unless you allow it to.  You are loved, you are beautiful and if you ever need a friend, I'm here.

Aloha,

I decided to take Alaka'i on a drive around the island on Saturday.  It's good to get out and about and to see the beauty of the island in all it's forms.  We left with hopes high, cameras ready and bags of lunch and swimming stuff packed for the ride.  Though we hadn't planned to go swimming, my Alaka'i being the water baby he is, thought it would be a great idea to pack some swim trunks, SPF and a towel... you know, just in case.  Imagine his dismay as we drove and the sun began to fade beyond the mountains as the clouds rolled in and the rain started to pour.  Though I don't particularly mind the rain, it's not all that welcome when you have dreams to photograph and enjoy the seemingly beautiful, sunny day... only to have your dreams dashed by a sudden rainstorm.

Isn't that just how life is though?  You make plans, beautiful plans, perfect plans, plans that seem so flawless that the very idea that anything could go wrong would be inconceivable.  You set off on your merry way, plans in hand... knowing that things will work out just the way you want- only for some unforeseen obstacle to get in the way of those plans, sometimes dashing them and chopping them in such a fashion that they don't even somewhat resemble the plans you originally made.  My life has been a succession of those plans gone awry, those dreams dashed by a moment, those unforeseen obstacles that seem to ruin it all.

At that moment you feel like you're in the midst of a dense forest, full of trees, with little to no light.  The hope seems to fade with each passing moment and your heart begins to fill with a toxic mixture of fear and despair.  How do you overcome it?  How do you move beyond the place you're stuck in?  What happened to the plans you had made?  Will you ever find your way out of this forest of darkness and despair?  The questions alone can cause a person to go stark raving mad because instead of focusing on the singular problem at hand, your mind travels in every single direction and the hopelessness just causes you to sink deeper and deeper into that despair, deeper into the dark forest...so much so that you can barely see the light.

Lord knows, I've had quite a few moments like those in my life.  Some worse than others, but all were full of misery and despair at the time they transpired.  Losing my second child, watching my mom go through lung cancer, hearing my best friend died in a car wreck.... those were all some of the worst moments of my life.  As someone who struggled with depression in my adolescence, I could feel that darkness and despair creep up on me in those moments..and others...  It's like a blanket of comfortable misery that just crawls up your legs from behind you and before you can turn around and rip it off, it's consumed you and you're just encompassed by it.  It can be quite suffocating and overwhelming.  It's like being stuck in the middle of a deep, dark forest and not knowing which way to run to escape the darkness to find even the smallest glimpse of light.

It's strange how memories and feelings such as these can rush upon you like a river when you least expect it.  Alaka'i and I were driving through Widnward O'ahu towards the North Shore through the rain that we didn't plan for and we made a stop in this wooded area near the beach so Alaka'i could take a bathroom break.  While he was occupied, I walked around the dark expanse of the forest with these big (for Hawai'i) trees standing there so proudly, creating a dark shade from the rain.  In that moment I looked towards the ocean... and walked and saw this glimpse of light, this ray of sunshine beyond the trees and shrubbery.  It wasn't anything special, just a glimpse of light that began to grow bigger and bigger as I walked towards it.  Before I knew it, the darkness faded and I was surrounded by light as the sun began to peek out from behind the clouds.

Though the forest I was not a deep, dark forest that seems impossible to escape, it reminded me of those feelings of hopelessness I've had in the past and how they so overwhelm the soul and rob you of hope that you question whether or not you can go on.  Those moments- the ones that are unexpected and interfere with the plans you had laid are all there for a purpose though.  Lessons are learned and personal growth is gained as you navigate through those terrible moments.  It makes you stronger and wiser.

Each time those moments of hopeless despair come along, you have to remember to persevere and keep moving forward.  Both literally and metaphorically speaking, if you are lost in a dark forest and refuse to move or allow yourself to go deeper into that forest, you will end up cold, alone and eventually dead.  When hope dies, you see people giving up all will to live.  Those are the moments that you need to see beyond the forest, see beyond the trees.  Know that there is a way out and though it may take a long time, though it may be the hardest journey of your life, you will make it through it.  There's nothing quite as beautiful as some light when you're stuck in darkness.

I feel a burden on my heart for all those who are suffering and alone.  I know what it's like and I know how depressing life can get without hope.  I just want to reach out to those of you who feel like you're in a dark forest of despair that you cannot escape.  Know that there is hope, you will overcome. If you know someone who is going through a really tough time in life, be there for them...listen with a non-judgemental free ear and offer them compassion.  Whether it's a small thing or a large thing, pain and fear are both relative.  Don't discount the worries and the despair of others because what may seem like a not so big deal to you may seem like the end of the world to someone else.  Don't discount your own pain and despair either.  You need to go through the process, you need to mourn to heal.  Just know that you can and will make it through these hard times if you just keep moving forward, out of the darkness in search of the light beyond the forest.

After the nightmarish events of this past week. it's so easy to become jaded and angry and fail to see the hope in every situation.  Don't lose hope.  Even in tragedy, there are lessons to be learned and hope to be found.  I have a friend who is just in the pits of despair lately and I just wish I could take her pain away and help her to move forward but everyone heals in their own time.  It's just important for me now to be there as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a hug if she needs it.

I was so blessed at church today with the sermon our Pastor gave about sharing God's love and compassion and I just wanted to extend my arms to all of you as a neutral ear to listen, as a friend to be there if you have no one else.  I'm not here to push anything on you or to lecture you or to make you feel bad about yourself or your situation.  I'm here to just listen, to comfort and to be a friend because we all need someone to listen... Even if you have different beliefs than I, I hope you know that I will still be there for you and I will still listen and comfort without judgment.

I feel such a burden on my heart for all those who are alone, suffering or in the depths of despair.  Know that you are loved, you are wanted, you are treasured, you are beautiful.  It's easy to forget that because sometimes there's no one to tell you that, but I'm talking to you, yeah you... you are worth more than you're giving yourself.  Don't give up on life, there is light beyond the darkness.  There is still hope and you are so loved.

Big hugs and all my aloha to all of you ..

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post tonight.  Why, why do such needlessly tragic acts of violence happen?  Why?  Today I picked my son up from school and explained to him that there was an attack in Boston at the marathon where two explosive devices went off and at least 2 people died and dozens were injured.  I explained to him how a little boy, only 8 years of age was one of those killed in the blast and that the police have not found the person responsible for this act of terrorism yet... He asked me why?  Why something like this happens, why people shoot schools or blow up other people... I looked at him with no real answer because such violence baffles me as well.  I looked in to his brown eyes and told him,"because there is a lot of evil in the world and a lot of people who do evil - just because they want to".

The last 5 months have been filled with questions and general bewilderment for my son because now that he's eleven, he is now old enough to know and understand how serious all the events, the fighting and the needless acts of violence in the news are.  He's slowly becoming more aware that true evil, true misery, true loss exists in this fallen world we live in and it's really hard for me to watch him come to these realizations.  I worked so very hard to shelter my boy, to protect him from the evils of this world but now that he's getting older, he's reading news papers and watching the news now more than ever because they discuss current events in his class.  He's coming to the realization that the world is full of people who commit heinous acts of evil without reason and I see a little part of his innocence get chipped away little by little.

As a mother, it's my job to protect him but also to allow him to know what's going on the world and how it affects him.  He's not a baby anymore, no matter how much I'd like to freeze time and keep him small, he will continue to grow and God willing, will become a wonderful man someday.  I have to equip him with the knowledge and skills necessary to cope in this world and to deal with the needless violence in this world without losing hope.  Despite all the evil and hate that exists, God is still with us and we need to keep our eyes on Him.  I don't know what I'd do without Jesus. I know not all of you share my beliefs and I'm not trying to push them on you, I'm just sharing what I believe and how that faith in God gets me through horrific days like today.  The hardest part about being a parent is letting go and allowing your child to make their own decisions as they mature into young adults, hoping and praying they'll make the right decisions all the while knowing you can't make those decisions for them.  Free will.  We are God's children and though He loves us, He will never push himself on us or force us to follow Him. He wants us to love Him freely just as I want my son to love me freely but we all have to make that choice for ourselves because God gave us free will and it can be used for good and for evil.  I just have to try my best to be a good daughter to God.

Man today I was so worried and saddened when I heard the news.  I prayed when I found out what happened and immediately started to have sort of a panic attack because people near and dear to me live in Boston and I couldn't reach any of them.  Turns out that due to the chaos, phone service was patchy at best. I just thank God that those I love are safe.  I pray for all those who were killed and injured and pray that the guilty parties who thrust this violence on the great city of Boston are caught and put to justice.

Such needless violence, needless tragedy.  If only people could be decent and not hurt others for some sick sort of gratification...  Signs of the times I suppose.  It's just so heartbreaking to see such suffering.

I hope you are all safe and well.  Take those moments to embrace those you love even closer and thank God for every second of life because none of us knows when it will be our last.  If you don't have anyone to embrace, if you feel unloved and alone... know that you are not alone, that you are so loved by God, even if you don't believe in Him.  I'm sending virtual hugs your way and if you need someone to talk to, a friendly ear to listen...I'm here.  You are loved, you are worthy, you are precious so don't discount your value in this world.  ***** ME SENDING BIG HUGS YOUR WAY *****

I pray for the people of Boston, for the victims and their families and for the law enforcement; may they find the guilty parties and bring them to justice.

Love and Aloha to all of you,

*Update as of 10:39 am Hawaii Standard time, there were 3 explosions, the police discovered two other possible bomb devices and the police are confirming it was a bombing.  

I just read the news that there were 2 explosions at the Boston Marathon.  This just troubled my heart so much. I urge you to pray for all those involved.  As of 10 am HST, there are 2 casualties and at least 23 were injured.  I have great love for the city of Boston and tons of wonderful memories there... Why would anyone do such a thing?  There is no clear answer as to who did it, why they did it or how they did it.  All we know is there are a lot of people injured and multiple casualties.  According to several news sources, these were small explosions but in spaces that had a lot of people.

Marathon officials are speculating that these explosions were caused by bombs though the police have yet to confirm.

My thoughts and prayers to those injured and killed and their families.  Such needless violence.  Just breaks my heart. Sitting here with a heavy heart and a baffled mind.


via Hawaii News Now:

Hawaii News Now - KGMB and KHNL

(RNN) - Two explosions happened near the finish line of the Boston Marathon at about 2:45 p.m. ET Monday, nearly three hours after the first of the event's winners crossed.

The Boston Globe reported on Twitter that police planned a controlled explosion near the area where the first two took place, and they are using K-9s in a search. Officials said they were finding "secondary devices" in the area and pleading with people to go home, according to one Globe reporter.

Jackie Bruno, a reporter for New England Cable News, tweeted there were "horrific" injuries at the site of the blast, including people with limbs missing.

Spectators for the race, held annually on Patriots Day, were rushed to medical tents for treatment following the blasts. CNN reported four people have been taken to the emergency room at Massachusetts General Hospital and at least six were injured.

WBZ reported one of the explosions happened near the viewing stands on Boylston Street, and there were multiple injured people. Smoke could be seen rising feet from the marked finish line.

Reuters stated via Twitter a spokesman for the marathon said the headquarters have been locked down. A CNN producer reported members of the crowd were injured when a pair of explosions happened, and medics are on the scene giving assistance.

Josh Cox, the U.S. 50K record holder, tweeted for people not to go near the finish line after explosions along with a picture from near the scene. The Lenox Hotel, located a block from the site, has also been evacuated.

via ABC News:

3:55 pm ET: Police set off controlled explosion in Boston. Third explosion hear.

3:54 pm ET: Marathon’s website tracking runners who completed the race, here

CLICK HERE FOR PHOTOS FROM THE SCENE

3:43 pm ET:  Trauma nurse tells ABC News that the race’s medical tent has become a makeshift morgue. Dealing with injuries including severed limbs and children with severe burns.

3:41 pm ET: Eyewitness Hayden Cary describes a “hectic, crazy scene.” Heard explosion go off within seconds of each other near a car, steps from finish line.

CLICK HERE  FOR LIVE STREAMING COVERAGE AT THE SCENE

3:34 pm ET: Police bomb squads sweep area looking for suspicious packages.

3:29 pm ET: Massachusetts General Hospital confirms at least 4 injured taken there.

CLICK HERE FOR COMPLETE COVERAGE

3:25 pm  ET:  Police warning people in area to avoid trash cans.

3:15 pm ET:  Boston Police Department says two explosions on Boyleston street near the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  Police,  fire and bomb squad responding. The number of injuries is unknown. The cause is unknown.

The two explosions took place around 3pm,  within second of each other. The first runners in the marathon crossed the finish line around noon.

Saturday was just your average, ordinary day.  I actually got to sleep in an hour or so later than my normal wake up time which was a much needed and refreshing break for me.  One of the benefits of having a pre-teen is that they're able to wake up, get ready and make their own breakfast with ease.  By the time I woke up, Alaka'i had his bed made, his room tidy-d, his face washed, teeth brushed and he was dressed for the day.  He's an exceptional boy but usually not so eager to clean his room....

Right away I knew he had a plan.  Well, it's only natural that he be expecting something from me, he did get all A's and 2 B's on his report card, and boy he worked hard for them.  He's living proof that a teacher can truly make the difference in a child's grades and self esteem.  To go from mostly C's and a few D's in the 4th grade with notes from the teacher saying "he doesn't focus" or "are you sure the doctor said he doesn't have ADD?" (typical lazy public school teacher trying to deflect her deficiencies onto a child and diagnosing them without a doctor or an actual expert opinion)... to now getting all A's and 2-3 B's... really makes you realize how much a teacher can affect the attitude and excellence of a student.

I actually had Alaka'i tested for ADD and ADHD and learning disabilities last year because his lazy teacher was always saying he and 8/23 of the kids in her class had attention problems.  No, I think when over a third of your class is having issues, it's more about the teacher than it is the students.  Anyhow, doctors and specialists told me he was fine, normal, smart even and that they didn't understand why the teacher would say such things....  Needless to say, the Department of Education (DOE) in Hawai'i has some major kinks to work out.

Fourth grade wasn't Alaka'i's best year.  Fifth grade, however, has proven to be an amazing turn around for my sweet boy.  He went from being what his teacher called "introverted and scared to answer" at the beginning of the year to "excited to participate and hard working".  The confidence that Alaka'i's terrible 4th grade teacher had stripped from him and his classmates was finally starting to come back.  It gave me such gratification and relief to see my son excited to learn again.  He's gotten rave reviews from his amazing teacher and nearly straight A's every single quarter with notes saying he's consistently providing quality work and participating in group discussions with ease and efficiency.

I was the proudest mommy in the world to read that on his report card Thursday.  It was a sort of validation in knowing that my boy was just fine all along and let me tell you, I loved running in to his old 4th grade teacher at Safeway.  When she asked how he was doing with that snide little look on her face, I loved saying "as a matter of fact, I just got his report card" and pulling it out like a golden ticket from my purse and letting her see it and watching the color sink out of her face and her eyes get big as her jaw dropped ever so slightly.  She even had the gall to ask if I had him in special tutoring...no ma'am... he just has a teacher who actually likes his job and does it well.

In fact, if we're being perfectly honest here, I never appreciated her condescending attitude.  When he was in her class, she would insinuate that if he had ADD or ADHD, it was his fault or something he should be ashamed of and punished for.  No child deserves that, especially not ones who actually suffer from such things.  That's one of the main reasons so many kids today struggle and give up, because teachers like my son's 4th grade teacher cut them down before they even had a chance to try.  I'm thankful he doesn't have any of those challenges, although who wouldn't get bored to death in a class with a teacher who spent the majority of the day cutting you and your classmates down?

A group of us parents complained and the oh so efficient and diligent [note the sarcasm] DOE said they would follow up with her and never did.  Unions- not so good when children's futures are at stake.  Let's just say that when he was done with 4th grade, we both cheered when we got in the car and celebrated with ice cream like it was a birthday we waited so long to celebrate.  I saw such joy in my boy's face the day he was done with her class and as a mama, it made me so happy and sad for him because just imagining how terrible she made him and his classmates feel, imagining how bad it must have been to illicit such a joyous response, made me cringe.

When he started 5th grade, I went in with worry and low expectations but was pleasantly surprised that his teacher loves his job and puts the children's interests first.  Hearing how he was once berated as a kid and thought he could never be good at math because of a bad teacher and how that experience motivated him to encourage his students was really so refreshing.  He allows them to talk out loud, discuss how they came up with their answers and if the answers are wrong, they discuss at which point they went wrong so they truly understand how to do it right.  The orientation was like a choir in angels singing a melodious "ahhhh" at once.  When I went to my first parent teacher conference and his teacher said "good, that means I'm doing my job well because you parents are my bosses", I was so shocked I swear I had to literally grab my lower jaw off the table and lift it up to my face.  That's the kind of attitude a teacher should have.

Hey, I'm not saying all teachers are lazy but it's those that are that ruin it for the truly good teachers out there.  I don't understand how or why a person would take a job as an educator if they hated it or didn't have a passion for it.  The contrast between my son's 4th grade teacher and his 5th grade is so vastly different, it astounds me.  To see a teacher care about his students is something I shouldn't be so shocked to see.  It should be the norm but isn't... And hey, I'm sure there are a ton of bratty, disrespectful kids out there but they shouldn't be discarded and thrown away any more than a kid with a disability.  It's all about attitude and approach and let me tell you, I thank God every day for my son's 5th grade teacher... Oh what a difference a year makes!

Have any of you mama's had bad experiences with teachers?  Were you the victim of a bad teacher growing up?  I know I had a few and like I told Alaka'i, you have to cope and adapt even in the worst situations but man, imagine a world where every teacher loved the job and did it right.... The potential of excellence for the youth of the world... Teachers really shape a student's life and they could change the world if there were fewere lazy ones and more amazing ones.

Share your stories and experiences with me!!  Have a Blessed Sunday!

Aloha,

Jean

Lavender is one of my favorite scents and colors.  In fact, I literally begged my parents to paint my room purple when I was a little girl.  I've always been partial to shades of purple whether they occur in flowers or in the evening sky as the sun sets in the horizon, they all create this overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility in my soul.

Though living in Hawai'i doesn't allow for the beautiful reds and yellows of the fall leaves or for snowy white winters, it does allow for a perpetual sort of springtime and summer with the flowers in bloom and the sun shining bright.  The only thing missing are the vast fields of lavender that you see when you're visiting colder climates.  Not all kinds of lavender plants grow easily here in Hawai'i- unless you go to cooler areas like Kula, Maui where Ali'i Kula Lavender grows in beautiful abundance.  I haven't been there in years but it is truly one of the most beautiful places I've seen.

The photo above is one I took of some dried lavender that I brought home with me to keep a little piece of beautiful Kula with me.  Every quarter or so I order a new, freshly dried bouquet of lavender along with some of their other lavender themed products like lotions and oils and their satchels to keep my drawers smelling fresh.  I just really have a penchant for all things lavender.


Today I had a lavender latte for the first time at Island Brew Coffeehouse and boy, was it yummy.  It's actually what inspired today's post.  I went to go take Alaka'i for some awesome lunch, you know... just mommy and her boy time.  It was great.  Afterwards I was buying groceries and decided to get a latte since I was right there and well, you know, I love coffee.  I was surprised to see the variety of flavors they had and when I saw the words "lavender" and "organic", it's like my soul cried out with a loud, resounding YES!  I've been there several times but just a quick in and out and no real time to browse the menu or try anything new. But I digress, this post is about lavender... I'll post more on the coffeehouse another time.

Here are some of my favorite lavenders for Spring 2013.


Speaking of shades of lavender, have you noticed my blog design update?  Well about a month and a half ago I decided to completely change and overhaul my blog.  I'm kind of an eclectic person by nature which allows for me to have a wide array of interests.  It does however, lead to a lot of impulse shopping and indecisiveness on colors and layouts for my blog.  The first version of the current blog design you see right now was very similar but there were tons of colors, lots of fonts and just too much going on.  I am a sucker for fonts and I had like 5 different ones going on and though alone they were all lovely, together it just didn't work.  Anyhow, the last few days I felt the need to simplify so I replaced the contrasting colors and too many fonts with a white/gray/deep lavender color combination and a few fonts that I think work well together.  I also put a gray filter on a lot of the sidebar buttons and links so the focus is kept on the content and on my sponsors.  I hope you like it.

Happy Spring to all of you and may you have a wonderful and lovely weekend wherever you are!

Aloha,

Today was a busy but good day.  It was the kind of day where although I was swamped with loads of paperwork, the burden didn't seem so heavy and despite the vog, I had an overwhelming sense of peace and hope.  I had an implicit understanding of the days objectives and goals without my boss uttering a word.  I set off with my tired brain set on focus and I was ready to get my job done.  It was almost like being a computer automatically running tasks in the background.

A couple of cups of black coffee and a pile of paperwork deep and I was feeling good.  It didn't matter that I had only 3 hours of low quality sleep, it didn't matter that I had a load of paperwork yet to complete... I decided to use the break time I had before lunch to do some blogging work even though I normally use that time to catch up on "day job" work or to work ahead so I have more open time in the afternoon and evenings... That was my first mistake.  I took my mind off of the day job autopilot and into a whole 'nother world full of wandering and wondering...little of it work related.

Honestly, I'm normally able to simultaneously multitask my "day job" duties while working on the blog with little hassle and great ease.  Normally multitasking in such a way is not such a noteworthy event.  Today, however, I found myself blogging more than I normally do at the office- so much so that it spilled into my lunch hour.  Good thing I had already  made fresh juice to have in lieu of lunch (partial juice fast reset)...

I'm normally able to spit out engineering reports, proposals, budgets and the like in quick succession and have it ready for my boss and on his desk before he expects it.  I pride myself in being super efficient at work.  Not so efficient today.  Perhaps it was the exhaustion, perhaps it was the fact that I was so very inspired by so many of the blogs that were showing up in my bloglovin' dashboard that I kind of blew off finishing my reports and invoicing budgets and my mind began to wander.  It wandered all over the place.  I started making lists for things I didn't need but wanted to get because I decided I wanted to start crafting even though I have no talent for it.  I decided at that moment that I wanted to start making jewelry again which is something I loved doing but haven't done in years.  Then I got inspired by all the decorating ideas people were blogging and decided I wanted to purchase blank canvases and make patterns and paint them to use as wall decor to brighten up my home.

That mind of mine wandered all throughout space and time, everywhere and anywhere except to work. The phone then rang and BAM! back to reality.  I looked at the clock and saw that I had all too many day job tasks yet to complete and got back on that train and started to work...and work and work.... As I worked, as I typed, as I crunched numbers and reviewed engineering reports, the wandering thoughts began to creep back into my mind.  It went a little somethin' like this:

Total project budget: $23,000 quarterly... and teal would perfectly accent the decor in the room....*focus Jean*.... budget set, approved and filed.  Obtain copy of records from... I wonder if I would have time to do some baking when I get home... Print file and plans, put on boss' desk..  Ask the assistant to please get copies of the client files from the cabinet..and oh, I wonder where she got her nails done? ....

It was that kind of day.  I tried and worked and accomplished but it took twice as long because my tired yet busy mind wandered...and wondered and wandered some more.  I'm just thankful none of my reports accidentally mentioned any of the thoughts wandering through my mind.  At one point I found myself typing the sig "Jean @ WhatJeanLikes"... woops!! ...back space..back space.. back space....  I truly intended to get all of my work done, I truly did.  Although I got most of it done, I could have done more if I could just stop that wandering mind of mine...

Even now as I type this and listen to a compliation of Mozart, Chopin and Beethoven... my mind wanders to topics unrelated to blogging and lists for work that I need to get done tomorrow.  Isn't that just how it is sometimes?  When you need to focus on work, the mind... she wanders... and then when you have to focus on other things... the mind... she wanders to work related and stressful topics.  I'm so happy tomorrow is Wednesday.  I love the fact that it's mid-week and the slump of the early week blues seems but a distant memory and the hope for the weekend seems all the more close.

Happy mid-week, hump day, Wednesday to you all!!

Hopefully the rest of the week will have less wandering and more focus... doubtful!

Aloha,

It's been a hazy, voggy, headache-y sort of day here on the island of O'ahu... It's one of those hot, muggy and humid days where the vog rolls on in from Kīlauea volcano on the Big Island laying its blanket of haze on everything around you.  It rolls in ever so sneakily in the middle of the night on the backs of the warm, slow, southern winds and stays awhile to diffuse the sun and make everything look a little foggy, a little hazy and oh so voggy.  It sounds romantic, the idea of a haze coming in and blanketing an island, but it's not.  With the vog comes a sticky, oh so humid feeling with little to no winds which doesn't make a girl feel all that great.  I suppose for those from cold climates, it would be a welcome change, but for me and many like me, the vog is a literal headache that rolls in far too often to our island.

What is vog?

Vog is a form of air pollution that results when sulfur dioxide and other gases and particles emitted by an erupting volcano react with oxygen and moisture in the presence of sunlight. The word is a portmanteau of the words "volcanic" and "smog". The term is in common use in the Hawaiian islands, where the Kīlauea volcano, on Hawaiʻi Island (aka "The Big Island"), has been erupting continuously since 1983. Based on June 2008 measurements, Kīlauea emits 2,000 - 4,000 tons of sulfur dioxide every day.

Literally, it's sulfur fog that blankets everything, dulls the vibrant colors of the ocean and vegetation to the naked eye, makes growing a garden very difficult and oh, causes migraine like headaches to those who are sensitive.  Of course, I'm the kind of person who has allergies to pollen, dust and weather changes so the vog creates a not so fun, oh so headache-y type of feeling within me. Were it not for Advil, I would scarcely function during voggy, hazy days like today.



You know, the vog used to come throughout certain seasons in the year when I was growing up but in the last few years, it seems that the vog is all the more present, paying visit to all the islands on a more frequent basis. Perhaps it just likes to come to O'ahu because of all the shopping? haha.

Regardless, as bad as it makes me feel, as dull as it makes the vibrant colors normally surrounding you, it does create a kind of soft, diffusing blanket in the horizon that makes the vibrant and colorful sunsets here look like a gradient sky full of shades of purple, gold and red.  It's a rather enchanting effect that I would enjoy were it not for the negative symptoms and side effects the vog brings.

The photos above were taken nearly a year ago, on a voggy and hazy day much like today where it's so humid you feel sweaty less than an hour after you shower.  The gradient, hazy sky created by the vog is kind of a romantic type of scene that you could sit in the sand and enjoy with me at Laniakea Beach in Hale'iwa on O'ahu's North Shore with a cool drink in hand.

I think it's contributing to my oh so pensive, somewhat bummed mood the last two days.  I know that it surely hasn't helped but hey, I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world so I need to just take it all in and be thankful to be in such a lovely place.  Perspective Jean... perspective.  I always have to remind myself of that when I get down in the dumps or grumpy in a hazy headache-y sort of way... Perspective is the difference between a happy person and a miserable one.  I remember hearing that in a movie with Diane Lane... Under The Tuscan Sun (I believe) and although I don't know where that quotation originated from before I saw that movie, it holds true in every situation.  Must. Maintain. Perspective.

Hope you have a lovely and wonderful night and an even better day ahead.  Were you ever to visit our lovely state, may I suggest some Advil for the headache or whatever allergy medication you take if you're an allergic sort of person like me.

For more of my photos click here: What Jean Likes Photography

Here's to us, to maintaining perspective and not letting the headache-y, down in the dumps days get us down!

Aloha,

Don't you just love those oh so precious moments with your child or children? Oh you know, those  moments...frequent or rare as they may be, where your kid does something precious, something adorable, something sweet...without even realizing it or knowing anyone noticed.  My son has many of those and though he doesn't realize I'm watching, I mostly always am... well sometimes...no always... and he doesn't even realize I'm watching him. Those are my favorite moments.

Alaka'i frequently has moments like these, where he's doing something quirky, cute or interesting that I find utterly precious, though he rarely notices that I noticed.  Sometimes it's just the way he plays in the sun.  When we hike or are outside, he often reaches for the light when he's playing.. It's something he's done since he was little and still does, and something I find utterly precious to watch.

Well my lovelies, I am running on what we in Hawai'i affectionately call Hawaiian Time which basically just means we're running a tad bit late or behind schedule, on Hawaiian time, if you will. So please forgive me for having my Monday Bytes feature up just after the clock strikes midnight in Hawai'i for Tuesday.

Oh the day job has been rough, rough I tell ya'!  Thankful to have it, rough and tough as it may be.. perhaps more on that later... for now it's time to get to the link love of the posts I heart this week!

Have you linked up with the Aloha Friday Blog Hop this week and entered our awesome giveaway?   There's still time!

• Healthy Eating 101 {Calm, Healthy, Sexy} -Learn some useful strategies to eating healthy and improving your overal health and wellbeing!
• Losing My Identity {Funny Postpartum Lady} -Visit one of my favorite mamas as she explores the transition from mommy with a day job to stay at home mommy.
• 7 Easy Easter Egg Decorating Ideas {Yesterday on Tuesday} -The always creative and crafty Malia explores egg decorating in ways I never imagined!
• Take The Time To Be Still {Simply Heavenly Food} -Excellent scriptures and words to live by. About finding the time to turn to God, especially when things seem difficult. 
• Navy & Pink Done Right {The Serena Saga}- Loved this look she put together, full of color and textures!
• Organizing Your Desktop {Her & Nicole} - Rekita shares with us some amazing and easy organization ideas for your desktop! 
• Craiglist A Home Tour {Local Sugar Hawaii} -Nicole shares lovely photos of her beautifully decorated home she leaves behind as she and her family move & open a new and exciting chapter in their lives. You have to read how she weaves her words ever so perfectly. Lovely.
• Katie's New Start {The Blonde Episodes} - Beautiful photos from the Allure shoot with Katie Holmes and a fresh start for the newly single actress. 

It's funny...or not so funny how things or places can trigger memories and bring up a flood of emotions from the past.  Today I was at the graveyard putting flowers on my grandparents' grave when I had a flashback to one of the most painful days of my life. About 10+ years ago, I was visiting the graveyard with my baby boy Alaka'i.  We go there periodically to put flowers on my grandparents' grave.  In Hawai'i people put vases of flowers adjacent to the grave.  It's such a regular occurrence that you almost feel bad for the graves left flowerless.  

So I was there with my boy and it wasn't a good day.  I was hurt, beaten up by my ex boyfriend and newly pregnant.  Yeah... yeah... This was before I knew Jesus as my Savior, before I became a Christian.  I was living in sin with my boyfriend at the time, naive and lying to myself hoping and wishing that one day he would change...and he never did.  I was about 14 weeks pregnant at the time and I had gotten beat up the night before.  My ex came home drunk and on God knows what else... He pulled me out of bed  and proceeded to punch me.  As I woke up from a dead sleep I ran to my son Alaka'i who was laying in his bassinet as my ex was chasing me.  I grabbed my baby and ran, blood streaming down my face from my nose that he had punched, aching and bruised from getting attacked in my sleep.  I ran as fast as I could and hid in the bushes.

He went away and stopped looking so I went and took my son and my bruised body and snuck home, grabbed our stuff and left.  I was at the point in my life where I had been beaten down emotionally and physically so much that I couldn't take it any more.  I was so afraid to raise my son and the baby growing inside me alone and even more fearful to go home with my tail between my legs to my parents whom I had let down so much in the year or so prior to this night.  I was 20, almost 21 and I was all alone with a baby and another on the way.  My parents, being the ever forgiving souls they are, took me in and took care of us.

The next morning I went to the graveyard with Alaka'i to think and have some quiet and put flowers on my grandparents' grave.  I sat there and sobbed with my baby in my arms.  I remember looking at his fat cheeks and kissing them and seeing my arms, bruised and battered, holding him close to me.  When I stood up I felt a sharp pain in my stomach...or so I thought.  I ignored it and thought it was just food I had eaten.  I went to go fill the small bucket I had with water for the flowers and I felt a sharp cramp in my womb.  I feared the worst but refused to admit what I knew in my  heart was happening.  I grabbed Alaka'i and started walking to the car and the cramp I felt was so severe that I fell to my knees.  Right there next to the garbage can filled with dead flowers...I felt the warmth flowing down my legs as I lost my baby.  There was so much blood...I was in so much pain.  I sat there not knowing what to do so I put Alaka'i in his baby car seat and put a towel on my seat and got in the car hoping and praying it was just a false alarm even though I knew it wasn't.

The cramps kept coming and I was still bleeding and it got to the point that I could barely drive so I went home instead of to the hospital.  No one was there, my parents were working, it was just me and my son.  My little brother who was a teenager at the time, came walking up and saw me crouched on the ground in tears in our yard...He didn't know what to do, you could tell that from the expression on his face.  He asked if I needed help and I told him to take Alaka'i in the house for me and play with him.  I stood up and went to the bathroom, dripping in agony.. I was having a miscarriage. I got in the tub to rinse off and I knew what was happening, what had happened.  Without going into the gross details, my precious little baby had died and I had miscarried him/her.  I  was so broken, so hurt, so angry and so lost.

I blamed myself.  I still do.  I put myself in that situation, stayed with an abusive guy because I was too stubborn or selfish to realize that he was not a good person, not right for me. There was this little itty bitty part of me on a towel in my bathroom, barely big enough to sit in the palm of my hand.  My heart broke.  If I had left him when I should have, I would be a mother of two today. If I had walked out when he cheated on me, my baby would not be gone.  My baby is in heaven, I know he is.  I should have pressed charges on my ex for what he did to us.  I was stupid and I didn't want my son's "father" to be in jail so I never did.

My parents didn't know I was pregnant again.  I think only my ex and my brother knew.  My brother helped me clean everything up and took me to the doctor.  He helped me bring my itty bitty baby smaller than my hand home and bury him or her in a special place in my parents' yard. It's so hard to write this but I felt like I had to.  Today I was at the graveyard and the flood of emotions washed over me.  It was 10 years ago since I lost my baby and the pain is still there.  For the longest time I lived with the guilt and blame I imposed on myself.  The thoughts...If I had waited and married a good guy, this never would have happened... The blame... is this a punishment from God because I had babies out of wedlock and was living in sin....  I was raised a Catholic... I knew Jesus but I didn't really know Him.

My ex came to my parents' house to "get the car"... He wanted to take MY car out to take a girl on a date... Yeah... I had a twisted relationship.  I put up with a lot of terrible because I "loved" him.  I was so angry and hurt I told him no and to leave.  He tried to hit me and I was at the point where I no longer would allow him to hit me.  Before, I never ever fought back.  I would protect Alaka'i.  But Alaka'i was safe with my brother in our locked house.  I told him to leave and he hit me and something in me snapped.  When I lost our baby a part of me died.  I charged at my ex and threw him against the car and hit him in the face.  He looked at me shocked and angry.  I told him if he didn't leave, I'd call the cops and that if he cleaned up his life he could spend time with Alaka'i but that we were through.

That was the single most liberating and freeing moment of my life.  I was so beaten down emotionally by this guy that I felt like I was never worth anything.  He tried to hit me again and I dodged it and grabbed a stick from our tangerine tree and swung it and told him if he didn't leave, he'd regret it because my days of letting him hurt me were over.  My neighbor came out and told him to beat it so he left.  He came back once after to get his stuff and told me he didn't want anything to do with Alaka'i or me and that was the last I ever saw or heard from him.

One visit to the graveyard brought up all these emotions for me.  I think about my baby all the time and I know someday I'll see him or her in heaven.  When I met my ex I was in college and living a sinful life full of partying and drugs and rebellion.  I thought he loved me and he didn't.  I lived in sin with him and got pregnant by him twice.  My son Alaka'i is the greatest blessing I could ever have asked for.  I don't regret him at all.  However, I do regret not being able to give him a good father.  I should have waited and not believed the first guy to ever tell me he loved me.

I may write about this again in the future but this mash up of thoughts and emotions was triggered not only to my visit to the graveyard but by a girl in the blogosphere whom I spoke with earlier.  A girl who is a lot like I used to be.  A girl in a bad relationship with a guy who abuses her and she has two babies with him.  I talked to her for a couple hours via email today and I won't divulge her name but she told me she felt like she was too ashamed to tell anyone what she was going through and that by leaving him, she'd be forced to tell people.  I never really thought of sharing my painful past with anyone let alone the blogosphere but I wanted to, I felt I needed to.... For the women like me who were or are abused by boyfriends or husbands..  I was a victim of violence, you don't have to be.  I escaped it and so can you.  I had a miscarriage at the hands of a violent ex boyfriend and it was devastating.  It took a long time for me to stop hating myself for my miscarriage, it wasn't until I became a Christian that I was able to forgive myself and turn my life over to God.  I'm so thankful every day to have a new life, to be free of the chains of my past sin and free of that abusive man.

Regardless of what your beliefs are, no one...no one... deserves to be abused.  Jesus saved me.  Perhaps you had something or someone else save you.  I'm just sharing my story.  If you know anyone who has been abused or is being abused, help them...comfort them... talk to them.  When I was getting abused, my ex alienated me from all my friends.  Reach out to yours if you know someone who is going through that.  You might make the difference in their life.  Just listening can help the person to get the strength they need to leave that abusive situation.

I hope my sharing this story of pain and loss served some sort of purpose.  I don't normally get deep on my blog.  I try to keep it a really positive place... I felt a burden on my heart to share my story for that girl I spoke with and many like her who feel isolated and alone... who feel like there's no way out. There is a way out.  There are programs to help you escape and people to be there for you.  Don't settle for the abuse you are experiencing.  I shared my story to show you that there is hope.  If any of you are going through abuse or need to talk, email me jean@whatjeanlikes.com.  I promise I'll be a neutral ear to listen and a friend to give warm advice.  Abuse is hard enough to deal with let alone losing a child.  I'm here for you.  Life can be joyful, you deserve to be happy.  No one deserves to be abused, beaten or emotionally ripped to shreds.  No one deserves a miscarriage.  Don't be scared to reach out... everyone needs a friendly shoulder.  Call a friend or family member, or email me and I'll try to help you find programs and resources to help you escape.

Aloha,