Wordless Wednesday: A Single Mother's Lament

10:41 AM

Sometimes it's the simple capture that has evokes the greatest emotion.  Sometimes it's what you don't say that has the greatest impact.  On this Wordless Wednesday I give you a simple capture of the rocky coast at the end of the highway on the North Shore of O'ahu near Mokule'ia.  It's one of my favorite places to photograph. 

Today I'm struggling to adequately describe the emotion and reason for this photo because my mind is so wrapped up in my day job.  I wish I had done things right when I was younger and gotten married before I had children.  Then again, had I waited, I would not have my Alaka'i who is my favorite person in the world. 

Those of you mamas who waited, got married and had kids, I applaud you.  At 31 years of age with an 11 year old, I really now realize how important it is to wait for the right guy and get married first.  All families are different and wonderful in their own ways but man, being a single mom is tough.  I wish I had a husband to help me through the rough days or to take some of the slack when I'm swamped with work.  I wish I had a good man to be a strong example for my son and to love, nurture and protect him.  

Though I'm thankful to have a good job with an actual future, I wish I didn't have to do it.  It's a high stress, time consuming job and I want so badly to be able to take Alaka'i to do fun things, to go on vacation, to have some easygoing quality time on a more frequent basis.  I wish I could do all the work that a stay at home mom does because those are things I actually enjoy doing.  Cleaning house gives me a sense of gratification because when everything's neat and organized, I feel like I can focus and function with more ease.  Then again, I actually do that work plus my day job... because being a single mom means you have to do it all.  Being a stay at home mom is hard work, my mom was a wonderful SAH mom and she was constantly working with no vacation, but at least you get to see the wonderful fruit of your labor in the child(ren) you love so much.  

But I digress.  I am truly thankful to God for all I do have, I just have been reflecting a lot today as I pensively sit in my office doing paperwork and wondering what it would have been like had I waited and done things differently.  The "what ifs" and "if onlys" are a waste of time though because you can't undo what is done and I wouldn't undo having Alaka'i even though I was only 19 and alone because he was by far, the greatest gift from God I've ever gotten.

It's just days like today... when I'm super stressed out and swamped at work, that I really feel bad about it all.  Days where I take a break and read blogs I love and see so many happy families and wish I could give that to my son, a family with a mom and dad...  I feel like he's missing out on so much and that it's my fault for not having a good dad for him.  It's hard and lonely doing it all on your own, the day job and mom...

When I was younger I wasn't a good judge of character.  I rushed into things and my life has been forever altered.  Sheesh, it's hard doing everything alone...  I'd love to get married and give Alaka'i a dad and siblings.  Maybe someday I'll get married.. if I ever get a chance to go on a date... which I have no time for... 

Then I realize my son will be 18 in 7 short years and time flies by so quickly... that maybe seems even more unlikely as I realize how fast he's growing up.

But until then, I have the best son in the world and that's more than I deserve. 

Have a happy Wednesday and hug those you love tight.  Don't take a second for granted...

Sorry for getting deep with this post.  It's just my single mother's lament...


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